Relaxissimus

Honk

2012-02-09T08:45:00.000-05:00

Honk if your frustrations have fused with the very core of your being.

The Answer

2010-07-21T10:43:00.000-04:00

Lots of cats are moody
and independent in their ways,
and some cats can be snooty
and put others in their place,
but sometimes the cat who's most attitudinous
is also the most beautious.

And if you wonder who that is
you must wonder it twice
(just as the way to double a cat's happiness
is to double the number of mice!)
So if the question's not "who" but "who-who?"--
the answer must be Foo-Foo!

If the question is who-who?
the answer must be Foo-Foo!

Anything goes

2010-07-09T11:30:00.001-04:00

Anything goes one day, everything's gone the next.

Bad Name for a Pastry Shop

2010-06-15T11:00:00.001-04:00

You Don't Know Where I've Bun

Dew

2010-05-27T15:52:00.001-04:00

Drunk on the wine of experiences
too many to count and far too sad to talk
about with you, drunk---though not senseless,
I made errors that cannot be rethought, my pony.
And, while there is a newer emphasis
that takes experiences, dubious
experiences, and tries to revisit
them with a standard light, I am curious
how rubbing particularities across
each other like grass and ugly insect legs
could change those evenings when, lost and not lost,

I stumbled, I slept, I was covered with dew.
Then, lying on the grass with a liquid ear,
I’d hear tiny prehistoric horses
gallop limply through conduits under
my yard, running from and to me who’d pour
myself out and be refilled many times
prior to rising and shaking myself dry
and mounting you, my pony, to begin
only from habit another long day's ride.

To the automotive advice columnist

2010-05-27T10:25:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking of planting a small garden or number of garden areas on my mid-size car. Well, not technically gardens, but square plots of grass. I think I'd like to place a square of turf, perhaps 2.25 square feet in size on the hood, a similar, though smaller, square on the trunk, and a larger square (or perhaps a rectangle) on the roof. In order to do this, I intend to weld metal strips of perhaps two or three inches in height to the car's surface to serve as borders to the grass and soil. My question: can you suggest materials I might treat the present surface of the vehicle with to prevent corrosion? Secondly, do you think that two inches of soil will be enough to support the continued growth of a lush surface of grass? Well, perhaps that is really a question for the gardening column. I appreciate your advice in this matter.

Rattlesnake-earthworm fusion

2010-05-27T09:38:00.000-04:00

A mechanically replicated and miniaturized rattlesnake's rattle is surgically attached to an earthworm. It rattles automatically. Now, the worm announces its insignificance and adds to the sound of the rain. (The mechanism must be waterproof.)

Song

2010-05-21T09:56:00.002-04:00

Everything I do is wrong--
I've made it a sort of song
or dirge
and I was singing it all day long
until you left, slamming the door,
leaving the television
overturned and smoking on the floor...
and more!

But you'll be back
to pick up the slack,
to spruce up the shack,
and put spine in my back
by telling me
everything I do is wrong.

And of poor quality too.

Pain, My Child Bride

2010-03-02T17:43:00.002-05:00

A song

My pain is all I have, brother--
pain is my father and my mother;
from my pain I will not hide,
for pain, she is my child bride!

She may be mild, she may be dormant--
she may be objectified, an ornament;
she may be straightforward and/or snide
but pain, she is my child bride!

She may be wicked and intense,
she may dwell in the pluperfect tense,
she may be busy tanning hides
but pain, she is my child bride!

Secret Domicile of the Most Relaxed

2010-01-07T10:18:00.002-05:00

Here is a view of the Secret Domicile.

Admission

2009-12-01T17:58:00.001-05:00

I had an affair with Tiger too.

Realization!

2009-11-17T17:21:00.000-05:00

When we take chances, we often fail.

Office Tao

2009-11-12T11:00:00.003-05:00

Sit at desk doing nothing--

hard not to respond to incoming emails.

Sit at desk doing nothing--

hard not to answer ringing phone.

Sit at desk doing nothing--

hard not to listen to coworkers' voices.

Sit at desk doing nothing--

not that hard when you get the hang of it.

Meetings, the Tao thereof

2009-11-05T11:37:00.003-05:00

Meetings fall on the sage's day like gentle rain.
A good meeting is like a marsh or pond.
A bad meeting is like a swamp.
There is little difference between a good meeting
and a bad meeting.

Those who know, do not know.

The sage, his use of words

2009-11-04T11:04:00.002-05:00

The sage uses arcane words like "gustatory."

He uses them incorrectly.

Tao Te Ching, Part 2

2009-11-04T09:38:00.004-05:00

The sage's shoes are too big for his feet.
Sometimes one falls off.
Does he stop to put it back on?
Not necessarily.
Shoes are like water. Feet are like fish.

Bureaucratic musings

2009-09-24T09:13:00.002-04:00

Weakness--the new strength. Indifference--the new engagement. Mediocrity--the new excellence.

Our process

2009-09-23T09:19:00.002-04:00

Our process is iterative, mutually reactive, trusting, rapid--like elves making love...without the high-pitched screeches.

I have screwed up this photo!

2009-08-17T17:03:00.001-04:00

Reassessment, necessary or not?

2009-04-22T13:53:00.005-04:00

If my weak side is always in conflict with my strong side, and my weak side usually wins, is my weak side stronger than my strong side?

At the very lengthy meeting

2009-03-02T14:38:00.002-05:00

by Emily Dickinson, Jr.

At the very lengthy meeting
I actually felt my soul leave my body
and rush toward the ceiling--
and fly around the walls and flare
towards daylight, towards the windows--
to throw silently its impetuous emptiness
against the glass in vain.
It could not go anywhere, the clear moth.

Then it lay on the rug, not exhausted
but bored and so inert that it almost--
though nothing--
took on a hue, stained with all the breaths
and words and thoughts that filled the room:
the yellow-green color of old teeth.

Fake cat

2009-02-20T16:13:00.002-05:00

Elf disguised as a cat comes into the apartment. I don't let on that I know.

Conflict resolved

2009-02-20T16:11:00.001-05:00

Elf and I go into the closet.
Only I come out.

Rod McKuen style

2009-02-18T17:47:00.001-05:00

What is my Co-Worker Doing in these Stressful Times?

Do I hear you weeping
in your cubicle?
Or are you doing something
I can't mention in a poem?

If the former,
condolences.
If the latter,
I will leave you alone
for now,
sweet office-mate.

In the Style of Walt Whitman

2009-02-18T17:43:00.002-05:00

The wistful organization puts fostering a gentle ennui
at the top of the agenda. Everyone commits themselves
to doing a little less and being a little bit sadder--
An action plan is created after much discussion;
It passes down through the organization from section head
to manager to employee.
Each takes the message to heart. I watch the team player
tearing up at his desk. I watch as his officemates
console him with embraces and kind wishes.

One-on-One

2009-02-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

You are the invisible and all-mighty
bester of many including Lucifer,
and I can hear your unseen sneakers moving
and sense the dribbled ball moving by--a blur.
Then swish. Then swish. Then swish.

Yet, I will play you again, Lord.

Song

2008-12-12T11:02:00.001-05:00

The meteoric rise of the Elf Queen is well-known,
well-known!
to all the scholars at the College.

And of the story of her demise all are apprised:
it's common knowledge.
Common knowledge!

Oh, surpassing sad is the Elf Queen's tale--
it wasn't that she was lazy.
She ran after an errant quail and
tripped over a daisy.

She tripped over a daisy!

God's second thoughts

2008-12-07T14:04:00.002-05:00

Because I did not see you at the store
I bought only a few seeds. Then I walked
to the paths by the river where the thin
natives scrape out a living, fishing when
the need moves them. I didn't see them there--
their huts were empty--I guess they were in
hiding, but what harm would I do to them?
I wanted to drop some seeds in the midst
of their bleak habitat though chances were slim
something--what I don't know--would take root,
sprout, and--for good or ill--grow. I took them
from the bin that said: "Seeds, not much good, old
+ what kind uncertain." Don't worry though!
While they could well be seeds of destruction,
I kept them in my pocket, unused, dry,
not wanting to screw with the perfection
of what we'd set in motion years ago.

Triumph over an Elf

2008-10-30T16:28:00.000-04:00

I played golf with an elf and I beat him.

Cat Food

2008-10-29T10:14:00.002-04:00

We buy our cat food where Michelle and Barack buy their cat food!

Two thoughts

2008-07-02T10:14:00.001-04:00

Let go, let Google.

+++

Talking to myself, I realized I was the best chimpanzee in my group.

Beware, houseplants!

2008-06-24T16:34:00.000-04:00

Beware, houseplants! I've heard what you're saying
behind my back, they'll be no more playing
tricks on me, trying to put ticks on me
and pursing smirking, greenish lips at me--
"We're only plants, we mean no harm," you cry,
but spend a night or two--or three!--outside,
you'll wish that you'd behaved like civil plants
and, if you had, I'd take you to the dance
tonight, but no! bad houseplants should know it's
time out for plants until further notice.

As important as sunlight and water
is the need for all plants to be proper.

Art Song

2008-06-11T17:04:00.000-04:00

I would like to Xerox a portion of your gnome,
though by no means the whole thing for I am too often prone
to take things to extremes.

Yes, I'd like to photocopy a segment of your dwarf--
and, lifted from life, just a portion will suffice.
Just a little portion of your dwarf would be nice.

Song

2008-06-11T16:56:00.001-04:00

Go tell it to the chimps, so
Unlike the turtles you adore
Yet representative of something
Succinct, almost succulent. More
Than that you'll have to grow
Into, gradually coming to earth
In a vehicle of flesh and bone,
To manifest the indifferent defiance
Of our noble kind.

Disco Gnomes?

2008-06-10T10:16:00.000-04:00

--No, these are the gnomes who traffic in body parts and '70s memorabilia.

--Body parts from the 1970s too?

--Yeah, from the '70s; everything from the '70s.

--Fuck, those are those gnomes?

--Yeah. Disco gnomes. '70s gnomes.

Two for Price of One

2008-06-06T16:35:00.003-04:00

Ward Churchill Versus the Elves

He was a taboo-smashing fugitive man-beast and the elves
who chased him would not relent.

The knowledge of their blood lust propelled him--
no good in even trying to repent.

++++

A Salute to Smells

Would you like to smell my loafers, Juliana?
Then, let's take a whiff of the cabana...

I am the lord of smell and I bring you smell fire.

The Jonestown Dilemma

2008-05-30T13:20:00.001-04:00

If I don't drink the Kool-Aid, will I be tossed out of the cult?

I said it first

2008-05-30T13:17:00.001-04:00

If my clothes work, then I don't have to.

Haiku, timely

2008-05-16T10:37:00.002-04:00

Now that gay marriage
is legal, I've decided
to marry myself.

Dismantle

2008-05-15T15:35:00.001-04:00

There is this certain thing you can do with objects and machines.
You can lay them out neatly and play loud music near them.
And if there are any things wispy on the objects, they might move
in the music. Then, if the music stops, all is as quiet as they.

A printer, a coffee maker, and a toaster go nicely together,
all plastic and white with some metal and glass. When they
are disconnected from wall sockets, they are at their most passive.
The plugs look like they do not know where to go.

Driven in a car, they rattle a bit. If the car is white too, that’s the best.

I can imagine thousands of appliances, never used, glistening
in orderly rows on a street or a parking lot. Their disuse would be more
than appearances for appearances sake, but, Boris, imagine this, that
all the models of vacuum cleaners, from the very inception of the
machine, are laid out, straight and, of course, clean, along a
straight, sumptuous sidewalk and overshadowed by trees
denuded of all leaves. Further, that the clouds above, puffy, pure,
move regally, in a parallel line. That would be something, oh,
indescribable to me, your Natasha.

Ideas expressed in the school gym

2008-03-17T17:38:00.001-04:00

I saw Joe the other day at the gym,
he's a sculptor, a professor of art,
and the idea I gave him is this:
I'd like to see a brain in a vat,
floating in some clear but oily liquid
and to the brain a wire would be attached
leading to a speaker, though Joe thought it'd
be better to have a telephone, black,
which when viewers picked it up would emit
the sound I'd been thinking of--a soft "ahh"
moaned endlessly from this organ in bliss;

then Joe reminded me of another
idea I'd suggested in years gone by:
we should build an exit ramp to nowhere
veering off from Lower Lake Road to rise
and terminate abruptly in mid-air
over the shallow pond there; large green signs'd
be necessary--"Bear Right to Go Where
No One Goes"--to keep cars from taking dives.
To see a scale model of this concept
would be in and of itself a delight,
I told Joe, noting that as a member
of the campus landscaping committee
moving this forward was in his purview
and that he had the clout to make it fly.

No problem

2008-01-25T17:23:00.000-05:00

The problem is there is no problem and
the problem solvers have nothing to do
so they start creating problems out
of thin air, out of nothing. Then the problem
is not to see that there are big problems
everywhere and it is woe unto
him or her who can not see or who will
not acknowledge the problems--they become
part of the problem, a big part of it,
their apathy or obstinance holding
progress back until they are educated
to the fact that, one, there are big problems,
and, two, if you are not part of solving
them then you represent the problem
the problem solvers have been talking about
all along. So you see now how it is:
there is no problem worse than no problem.

Neighborhood art show

2008-01-18T17:14:00.000-05:00

The only thing better than not doing
something well is not doing it at all
and the next best thing to that is screwing

it up completely so that it does not
come off as even a half-assed attempt
put forward by a half-wit or wing-nut

like when someone who, for instance, can't paint
sets out with best intent to sketch a scene
in oils but since Grandma Moses he ain't--

to employ slang--my pet orangutan
could do better; you get the picture, I
hope: it's embarrassing, though not the same

as what results from efforts of dabblers,
hobbyists, and amateurs who never
fail to miss the mark. These vain mishandlers

get it just a little bit wrong. So who
will tell them that a failure's a greater
failure to the extent it comes close

in the same way nearly great orators
are worse than verbose? Where's the pompous,
self-loathing, hectoring poetaster

who'll play the role of the disparager?

Relax

2008-01-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

The great god Relax rose up from his tub
roaring, "Oh rub a dub rub a dub dub;"
I toweled the aqua droplets from off
his back and stained the clean white towel blue.
The towel was ruined and I shook that
another job was botched by my own hands,
but coffee was brought by serenest guys
and oh to be like these, I thought, like these
quite calm, and followed them then to lawns where
the towel dried white again on my arm.